Broke....

These couple days have been very interesting. the word "broke" would best summarize both of my states. funny enough it all started with me losing my debit card, where ALL my money really is. i found myself thinking that i would be fine without money that i could get by till my new one arrived. it wasn't long till i began feeling uncomfortable and helpless.
im not a frequent buyer nor am i a shopper, however passing by stores like 7-11 and reminding myself that even if i wanted something from it i couldn't get it really began to bother me. i had to literally smooch of people, ask them for things or try to imply for them whenever i was in need. sometimes, i even had to seclude myself in order to avoid the need for money. this all reminds me of how the bible talks about the dangers of money. i guess i really never thought about the attachment i grew to government promised pieces of paper. afterall, i never really liked shopping. yet i found myself helpless in knowing that even if i wanted to obtain something i was unable to. or to go even further, that what i had in the bank was worthless.
i began searching my heart and im beginning to realize that in subtle ways i defined myself not necessarily on what money could do for me, but the boundaries that did not limit my desires because i had security. i never really intended on spending money on a shopping spree, nor ever day dreamed about buying this and that, but rather my security laid on the "just in case" policy of my life. meaning, that just in case i want to buy a soda i can, and that makes me feel better.
and i feel like this is the way i treat Jesus in my life. He merely becomes a "just in case" policy.
there is not doubt in my mind that money is powerful, nor that Jesus doesn't exist. but rather i like to keep them both in order to claim this "just in case" policy so that my limitations are not limited. so in other words, they are investments for the future.
Oh man...how broken i am. to think that Christ and Christianity are mere "just in case" securities in where i like to think i have becaues of what i can do with them exposes my need for control and peace. in addition, having money is most of the times not for myself. i enjoy that feeling of lending it to others or the ability to, it would be safe to say that i keep money in order for others to rely on me for having it. same would also apply for Jesus. how sinful is my heart that wants others to know that I have Jesus and that if they want Jesus I am able to give it to them. this is not necessarily for Christ's glory but mine. how selfish of me to think that I am able to share who Jesus is and make people understand of His Grace and truth, when the spirit is the only being capable of showing His glory. how selfish indeed.
well...for now being i really am broke. my debit card should be arriving soon, and ill be back in the system again. but i pray Jesus is not currency in my life.

Dear God, i know that i've been manipulative with your truth. i recognize and am not shocked to realize that i've made you into a currency security for peace. God this may be the reason for much of my pride and bitterness towards the world and you. teach me how to surrender and accept that what you are is better not for my sake but for yours.

-Dae