The Reason For Grace

I think lately i've been realizing how unforgiving i am. it may sound evil, but to some degree i believe that everything i say or think is true. whether bad decisions made by others despite "my" warnings came to a bad result in "my" eyes, to even expectations of how people should treat me as, they all fuel this desire to hate them more. hate is such a strong word. when i hate someone, they are constantly stuck in my thoughts. i become a slave in playing over and over scenarios on where they fall short. in addition, to make matters worse, my whole being in some ways becomes a vessel to persecute them onto others. in simple, people who have wronged me or haven't met my expectations are dead in my life. ill spend more time trying to kick and keep them out of my life rather than giving them a second light or even loving the people i love.
it gets worse, not only does my mind play scenarios in which they are tortured, but it argues to God how they CANNOT be christians. it wrestles with God argument after argument, and in many cases "evidence" as to WHY they are not saved. pretty bad huh? it gets worse...
after concluding with me, myself and I that this certain person is not saved, ill try to find a chance to make them aware of their own "fake" salvation possibility. im not a very confrontational person, so ill rarely confront someone saying "hey your not saved" but rather ill work behind the scences using people, situations and even prayers...
all right, one would think, that this is not the daegyu they know. however, let me assure it gets a little worse.
once i've determined that such individual is the person i'll hate, i shut down. meaning, ill do everything in my power to make sure that this person doesn't know me at all.
this may sound as very childish and selfish, or in some cases as irrelevant. why would it bother them that they don't know me? and the answer for that is that my heart will try to manipulate or arrange situations on which this certain individual will "need" me. and whether this person would like to approach for help or a relationship, that door would already have been closed long ago.
lastly, to make things just a tiny bit worse, ill shut God's voice. which is the only source of reasoning in my life. This, is just a glimpse on my sinful take on people and relationships in my life. the questions is whether has it always been like this, and/or has it changed ever since.
the right answer would be that yes, it has changed. honestly thought, repentance is not in my schedule. i love to hate, and im good at it, in fact, i resist to give it up. i've been feeling abandoned by people, family and even the church. repentance is something that initially i enjoyed doing. yet lately its become something that i've lost joy in. the more i repented, nothing in my heart felt changed. furthermore, nothing in my feeling of abandonment by people got better. hence the reason why i lose faith everyday.
my heart is darker each day. and each day, it kills me little by little. the more i realize how sinful i am, somehow still always finds a way of showing me that this world is messed up, and thats why theres grace in my life whether i accept it or not. where would i be without grace?...maybe not too far from where i am. yet, not as close as to where ill be. The existence of Grace is the only thing that keeps me sane.