I've got into a bad habit of listening to messages for other people, especially for the ones i love most. Rather than trying to apply it to my own life & personal struggles, i apply it to other's lives. How messed up am i ?
Today's message was on forgiveness. & of course, the entire time i was listening to it, i was listening for someone else. But mid-point, it almost felt like the message slapped me across my face, because more than anyone i could think of, I was the one struggling most with forgiveness.
So many thoughts started rushing into my head, things started to painfully make sense, i became frighteningly aware of my sinfulness to the point i felt like i wanted to rip out my heart..
This Lent season, not only did i give up facebook, but i also gave up spending time with Daegyu. It hasn't even been a full week, but i must say, its already pretty tough. But it's also been really good because I'm able to spend more time with God & it's leading me to have more heart checks. *Alone time is VERY important. you need time to re-charge, refresh, THINK, pray, and check your heart. surrounding yourself with people all the time may be: a way to avoid facing the issues of your heart (and dealing with them) OR it may cause you to fester malice against them.
These few days alone, and especially with the message today, I think i have finally figured out the reason to the heaviness of my heart: I'm unhappy in the relationship because i don't know how to forgive him.
I came into the relationship with SO many expectations of how a "Man of God" should be. And everytime, my expectations were not met, I held that against him. It started off as small things, but because my heart never fully forgave him, it evolved into something so dark and powerful. It was like the snowball effect, the grudge grew greater and greater, it became blinding. I never thought that it could be my fault. It was always something he was doing wrong that needed to change. He needed to be perfect. My heart was rotting with grievances and i didn't even know it. As a result, my resentful heart started to be reflected in the way i treated him. My words were cold and hurtful, my eyes looked at him disapprovingly, and even my playful punches exploded with emotions.
Yes, there were times i confronted him about my disappointments. But they were more for selfish reasons than to edify and encourage him. It was for my benefit, hoping that if i told him the things i was unhappy about, maybe he would change so i could be happy. It also made me feel superior to him, and that feeling was addictive. It was ALL about ME & how i can change him into a person that could make ME happy.
Even when i "forgave" him, it was not with the right attitude. I was very frugal with my forgiveness. I put a limit on how many times he can mess up until i would have to confront him about it again because I'm just so "perfect". End result? I never forgave him. I just fooled myself and him to think i did. Unless he had "perfection" to offer me, he didn't deserve my full forgiveness.
Forgiveness for sale! Forgiveness for sale! What will it cost ? P e r f e c t i o n.
How did i ignore these feelings? I hid them from myself and him. It was underneath layers of temporary remedies. Attention, affection, compliments, gifts.. anything that made me feel happy. Once the sugar coated top layer began to dissolve, uncovering the unbearable filth, I made sure i found something else to cover it up. I became an expert at it.
I feel so suffocated and trapped in this jail i built for myself. [My sinful expectations, self-righteousness, grudges, and unwillingness to forgive] became the 4 walls that had me trapped. Maybe I, in some evil way, enjoyed being in here. It somehow made me feel better than him. I'm sitting on a throne of sins, making myself higher than God, because i made my forgiveness unavailable.
Who do i think i am? Jesus was most perfect. He was the only one who actually practiced what he taught. He had no sin yet he DIED on a cross for our sin. He forgave us... His forgiveness was not limited. Even before we could reach out for His hand, He gave us His. Because His forgiveness is true, He is able to love us in our utter sinfulness.. Dying on that cross was not easy. Being betrayed by the ones he called his disciples wasn't painless. He suffered and his sacrifice was SO great.
Who am i to refuse suffering and sacrifice? Who am i to think that MY forgiveness must be bought with perfection when I, an undeserving sinner, was forgiven through the blood of a sinless perfect God ? Even God doesn't expect perfection from us.. how did i think it was okay for me to expect it from him...
Dear God,
I am such a twisted sinner. in this relationship that you have blessed me with, I only did things that I wanted to. If it required me to sacrifice something or suffer, I refused. I locked myself up in this jail that ruined not only my relationship with daegyu, but also with you. Lord when i am unable to forgive, it becomes impossible to love you and others. In my sinfulness Lord, i somehow made myself think that it was okay to be this way. And i started to enjoy it. But Lord, I am so disgusted at myself. I don't want to live this way anymore. I have hurt him so much and most of all, i'm breaking your heart. Lord I don't deserve him, nor do i deserve your grace. Father break me, humble me, and put me to my knees. Lord put me back in my place and help me to stop thinking that i'm better than you and everybody else in this world. I am no different from a murderer. Father i want to be free from these chains. Forgiveness is nowhere to be found in my sinful heart. Father forgive my unforgiving heart. Grant me the renewal of my heart, so that I can forgive and love, the way you do for us. Also help me to flee from this jail that I am in so that I can restore my relationship with you & everyone else. Lord, one more thing? Even before I ask daegyu to forgive me, please mend and heal his heart from all the pain i have caused him.
I pray in your sinless, perfect, forgiving son, Jesus' name, AMEN
- Sharon
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