I'm at a point in my life where things that i've held dear are slowly being torn from the firm grasp of my fingers. Or maybe i was never holding onto anything. Maybe all that i thought was mine was never really mine to begin with.
What God gave to me as blessings, i made into gods. Rather than using my hands to hold on to Jesus, i tried to hold onto everything that i knew could be taken away. I took advantage of the fact that Jesus would never leave me. Now i look into my hands, and there is nothing there anymore.
I want to be able to say that I'm okay. I hate myself for being so dependent on everything but God. I wish i could be able to define myself solely as "God's daughter" and be satisfied in that. I hate building my image or reputation on the people and things i have in my life.
Right now i want to bury myself somewhere.
it gets even worse. when i realize how sinful i am, i become even more rebellious. in my head, i should be thinking, "i need to make God the king of my life again.." but you know what i'm thinking? haha "one by one everything will be taken from me and ill get over it.. or just wait till i get numb so that I won't ever want to look at it again." It's all about me.
I'm really sorry for the discouraging entry. Not that anyone reads this anyways.
Dear God,
wake me up. when the world falls apart and i have nothing thats mine but ashes, I want to praise your name.
- Sharon
3 comments:
Sharon,
I read this.
The very fact that you are still able to reflect and remember God shows me that God is still within you. And although these are discouraging times for you, know that even when you share discouragements, it might bring others close to God, and isn't that what it's all about, building the Kingdom? <3 I am praying for you and thinking of you (and isn't that bringing people closer to God? When you have a prayer request and so people pray on your behalf?). I trust that God will carry you and lift you, and the heart inside you that hurts and is aching is not a heart that has been hurt in vain. Rather, it is the heart that God has given you and made. That's God speaking when you say that you want to praise His name again. Sometimes, we think we are worse off than we really are.
Please don't bury yourself, because then you really won't be able to praise and you'll be dearly missed =)
I love you, but more important, God loves you so much. Hopefully, during this time of toil, loss, weariness, and frustration He will still use you to further His kingdom.
Love you so much, Sharon <3 You don't need to be strong because He is strong enough and you have EVERYTHING to hope for, because HE is EVERYTHING =)
sharon aka mommy... but really sister in christ...
i still read this, i still care about you and i want to let you know that at least one of the things you have invested in, aka JFML, is still part of me... it may become just a part of your past as you go on from RCF (though i'll prob still see you on campus), but it's become a part of my future as well as the impact you have had on my life. i feel exactly the same way about my rebelliousness right at this moment because here at home i'm not constantly surrounded by people that keep me accountable and so i feel like i'm reverting to my old self even though it's only the first day... except that it feels like i don't care or maybe that i only cared because other people cared if i cared (if that makes sense...) and so i cared. i'm now really seeing how much of a blessing it is to always be with a community and to be used because it just gives a sense of direction and purpose when i know now that i really need that. the thing is, i think i've buried myself with people and so now that i'm by myself for hours, the only thing that i want to bury myself from is myself. i really don't like myself. i realize even more that i don't like spending time with myself... which is why i'm going to read the bible haha spend some time with Him
sharon, i know this might mean nothing to you, but i miss you and i'm here. but more than that, you're not alone on this. God is faithful, you can never let Him go because he has a firm grip on you.
-son
...and to be honest... i have this on a tab right on the top of firefox so i check it everyday HAHA...
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